The first entry
2004-01-14, 9:47 a.m.

Well this is my first attempt at an online journal. I usually hate writing but I thought why not give it a shot. It will help me with my problems and help me get out my angst. I should start with some background info on why I started this thing. You see I talked to this wonderful guy online. It turned out to be the love of my life. You know you only get one. Well he was looking for something specific in the overall looks department. Well I matched up to a certain point. It was just my weight that was a factor. We got along so well. We would talk on the phone for hours and hours and hours let me tell you. Our personalities meshed. I felt myself falling head over heels for him. I knew he was the one. But always there was this voice in the back of my mind saying "you better get out now or you are in trouble." He made me feel so wonderful. All my problems went away. I could tell him anything. Things I have never even told my family or other friends. This was about 2 years ago. Well I showed him a picture of what he despises, a fat girl. And well push came to shove he bolted like no other. Typical male huh. This sent me into a loop and I was so depressed I dont think I was gonna make it. In fact I wasnt going to. I went away and went to Italy to a convent. I know drastic huh. But I had been planning it for awhile before I talked to him. The way he treated me just made it come to pass. So i was there for almost a year. And well he got into contact with me again. I found out because only he thought I was this gorgeous model type. I never once wanted to deal with that again but I knew I needed him. So we talked for months then it got to telephone convos again and let me tell you my father's phone bill was off the charts. See while away I got cancer. I left the convent and stayed with family. I beat the cancer once and it came back. So while chatted with him, I wanted to give up and almost did. I decided I wanted to live and be a perfect person for him and well I was trying but the guilt got the better of me. He told me over and over again that looks didnt mater to him at all. Well turns out they did. His own words were that "the girl he saw horrified him." Great huh? The funny thing is he was fat himself till he lost all his weight due to an illness Not due to working hard. By the way I will refer to him as "he who shall not be named." ( thank you harry potter) I told him the "truth" and he once again bolted. We had made so many plans and while we talked for nearly 8 months I was working on being what he wanted. I have made many strides I have lost tons of weight. Well partially due to the cancer treatments but also because I am working hard at it. I figure within a year I should be what he wants. Have you ever heard of someone so devoted? I am back home now in the states and am doing everything in my power to do this. I am on this wonderful diet that is helping me lose tons of weight. 20lbs a month. Cool huh? I bought a very expensive treadmill. I have gone back to school to get yet another degree. I have enrolled in bass guitar lessons. He has a thing for chick bass players. When I lose the proper amount of weight I plan on taking belly dancing lessons. I have started to open my own business so I can buy a house of my own. You know be super independent. All this for a guy. I will give you more insight to the story later but for right now this is a good start.