SIGNS EVERYWHERE TO REFOCUS MY GOALS, plus pampering day!
2004-06-17, 5:25 a.m.

This is way too freaky. The "closer" I get to James the more I seem to forget about my vengence upon "he who shall not be named" until now. I know this is a sign. Orchy was in her new fave room the rate a rod rooms on aol. She then saw some guy who is a freak of nature. He is like over 14 inches long. Ok not gonna dwell on that, she got on yahoo to see him on cam. He had some other people watching him so he got some chat thing going. Dont ask me I dont know how it works. Anyway another girl joined the chat and Orchy said she recognized her yahoo name. She didnt know where from. Well for some reason it was bugging the hell out of her. She looked around somewhere she wont tell me where but she found something interesting. She said that its a friend of "he who shall not be named" Now how random is that shit? What are the chances. She told me that this chick lived in minnesota or something that she wasnt local. OK thats a fucking sign if nothing at all. After hearing all that I thought of the movie Signs and realized that it all ties together and I need to get back on track. Plus I think James and I are moving too fast or well I think so.

We played the 20 questions game and I learned some interesting stuff. He is not all that open with his past or memories or just rather details about himself. So I was curious and started asking questions I knew I shouldnt have. Let's just say I learned a whole lot. Then I told him some stuff about me which I now really regret. I know I can trust him and all and its vice versa just I dont want anyone "in" my life anymore. I have learned that lesson over and over again. I also posed the question about what if we met and something happened where we wanted each other would he have trust issues with me or what? He gave a very vague response which I knew he would. He doesnt want to be hurt again. I told him I swear I would never hurt him intentionally but I knew in the back of my mind that he would so hurt me. I know I am use to it but man it still hurts. I think this "relationship" is gonna stay strictly plutonic. I have made that decision tonight. Even though I was feeling horrible that he didnt call until 10:30pm my time. I just looked at the clock waiting for him to call. It was driving me nuts and at one point I just gave up thinking his double shift must have really worn him out. He did though call me this morning and woke me up just so he could hear my voice to calm down from a really shitty day at work. I am gonna pull away emotionally well not entirely just romantic feelings. Still very much so want to be his friend. Cause I think I need that human connection with him.

I am back on my mission. Even though I never fell off just lost focus of the vengence part. DAMN ME and my dropping some walls. SO back to destroying the one who made me even more bitter than I am. MUAHHHHHAHAHAHAHA! Well off to bed I just needed to phyically type out that I have made my choices and what I need to do. Oh yeah wait I had a dream about my cat that died. She always calms me down when I am freaked out. She came to me in my dreams when I was stressed at UW. I think it was a subconcious sign that I need to remain calm. The dream was soothing plus another one of my cats that passed was in it too. They were alive in the dream and they comforted me. Ok really going to bed now. Gotta do some shopping.

OOOOH another thing it was pamper day for me today. I made myself a lobster tail dinner. (yes its on my diet) with shrimp cocktail(i made the sauce myself according to the diet)steamed broccoli and a baked potato. NO SALT NO BUTTER on any of this. YAY! Plus I gave myself a cocoa butter massage and did some much needed waxing and plucking. It was pamper day for me until later on that night when all the above shit happened. With that must retire to bed.