WHO THE FUCK AM I FOOLING?
2004-06-21, 10:32 p.m.

Who am I kidding? I know I am kidding myself. I know I am living in some surreal world of my own. I mean what do I think I am gonna accomplish? Why do I think I am gonna win or come out on top. I know I am not because its my fate to never be happy or get what I want. This has to be some stupid fairy tale that I have made up. Why didnt I let the cancer consume me? It would have been far easier than facing the truth. I am done I am tired. You know this thing with my father is perfect example. Whenever I need help or just someone to talk to EVERYONE disappears. But when they need me I am there every step of the way. WHY CANT I SEE THE FOREST FOR THE TREES? Its my fucking destiny to be used by human beings. In all my years I have never had anyone just show one ounce of sympathy or even just being there thru the good and the bad. Its always whenever they need me. Its fleeting. Never stable. I am so done setting myself up for this shit. Why do I bother. I am just gonna do what I need to do for me and not even bother with anyone else. I know now that human contact for me is just a waste of time. I am better off alone. I dont want to go thru these psuedo friendships where I am always the loser. I think I have learned my lesson. Stick a fork in me! I have seen the big picture.