Spun
2004-05-01, 1:18 a.m.

I just finished watching Spun the movie. WHOOO that brings back memories. Yes I was a speed freak. I have done some of the things that they show in the movie and hung out with similar people. I looked at the movie and remembered my old days thinking hmmm that might be fun again. Just for a split second mind you. Then I realized what the hell is wrong with me. I nearly died not trying to do that again. I mean I can be around people all spun out and not even think about doing a line. I think I have come a long way from that. I am proud of myself that I was able to quit and be okay around it. While watching this movie I remembered that "he who shall not be named" told me about it one time and I thought wow I can sit through this movie and not freak out and not watch it. Thats making progress. Since I still cant watch many movies or listen to the radio cause it reminds me of him. I just wanted to see this movie and it was worth it except it was all cleaned up. They blocked out any nudity and bleeped out some lines such as "fuck me" and "she is a cunt." What was that about. So now I want to rent the unedited version. Still it made me want to call up some of my so called old friends and see what they are up to or if they are still alive. Yeah but dont want to get into all that.

I got a phone call today from this guy Mark from my past. I was with him I remember right before September 11th. In fact the thing that stood out the most is right after we had sex we watched this show Ultimate fight match or something like that and it was New York Firefighters versus New York Police Officers. I remember being all nostalgic and wanting to go back to New York soon and I had an open ticket to fly home whenever I wanted to. I mean we watched this show about 3 days before September 11th. I could have been in the city when it happened WOW that would have ruined me.

Well back to Mark he wanted to hang out tomorrow. I think I might but nothing will happen cause duh celibate. I need to get out and about. Then I told him I lost a shitload of weight and he said "honey no matter what you think your faults are your personality goes far beyond that and makes up for it, not that you have any faults to make up for." How sweet is that? Still I think just hanging out will be cool. I wish more males would say things like that even though I think he is blowing smoke up my ass to get me into bed. Still if it was sincere thats so cool. I am tired had a long day doing absolutly nothing but I did work out. Ok off to sleep. Oh yeah I had another freaky dream but dont remember it. And if anyone is reading this drop a line and tell me cause sometimes I get paranoid. This journal is for me but I just like to know if anyone reads it. Besides you Orchy! hahahaha