RAGE!
2004-05-09, 11:41 p.m.

Ok today was a rage day! It all started with getting online this morning and clicking some link to a political message board. It was about the iraqi abuse crap. Ok kids war is hell its not all fun and games. Do you honestly think they would treat our soliders any better? In fact they mutilated, hung, disembowled, and dragged our guys. Yeah I dont see the world up in arms about that. I posted my feelings and there was a split. The liberals ( which I am one) were for punishing the soliders that abused the prisoners. And think it was a travesty. Then you had the RepubliKKKans who thought this was a liberal ploy to discredit the president. Oh its not about that morons. Either side. It happened what can be done about it. GRRR they got me going.

Then as usual some stupid racist prick had to bring race relations on the board. I mean the message board could be about "why is the sky blue" and some redneck inbred hick will find some way to post their stupid views about race. Yeah I posted on their little views too. So I was fueled all day. I would have to say that it all happened last night while going to sleep. I watched the show on HBO "Hate.com" I mean I wanted to jump in the TV and just kill some idiots. ARGH! Anyway see that just set my mood for the whole day. I was pissed off no matter what was happening.

In fact my roommate called me to open the front door cause she needed something. But I didnt answer my cell phone. She was all bent out of shape cause I didnt answer. She needed to grab some clothes so she could go out to dinner. Ok she was pissed at me. Yeah ok not my fault she is staying at her boyfriend's house and only comes to this house to get some clothes. She has been gone for like 3 weeks. Ok hun just move out already. I wont be pissed. Its not like she is helping around the house anyways. I dont know but it pissed me off that she has the balls to be mad at me when she was right down the street and her boyfriend could have turned his car around in a second to come back. In fact he did. And she was all bent out of shape when I opened the door. Whatever no skin off my back. Well on to the other rage of my day.

I was as usual making excuses to not work out like oh today will be my day off. UMMM yeah I do that every day and I fight it. Then while working out I want to give up and just do a tiny amount of time. While on the treadmill I was thinking hey I am not wasting my time here I am only helping myself. Thats right MYSELF! I am doing all this by myself NO ONE ELSE. No one can take the credit. Its my hard work. Then that got me going. I was saying outloud to myself. You know what I want my vengence and I have earned it. Not him, not my friends, not my family, ME I EARNED IT! I am gonna get what I deserve and so will anyone else who was ever used me or mean to me. Then I started to think about "he who shall not be named." THAT ASSHOLE! He treated me like a leper not a human being. When I needed him the most as a friend not as a love he abandoned me. No matter how pissed off, bitter, or disgusted by me you still treat someone like a person. He isnt human. He has never bothered to check on me to see if I am alive or if I am still sick. He could have contacted my mother, Orchy, or even a friend that knows him.

When he was at his worst I still checked up on him. I even sent him a care package when I was in Rome. Granted I had others do the work such as deliver it and actually buy it ( I paid for it though sent them some money to physically buy it) I still sent him something to cheer him up. I picked out the things to go in the package even. Things he loves. A lot of thought went into this. Some vanilla body wash ( he loves the scent of vanilla),transformer wristbands( he is a fan of the transformers, a water massage (just to relax him physically), a zippo with his initals engraved on it ( he lost his prize zippo awhile back), and a zippo refill kit. I dont know if there was anything else I am not entirely sure. Then he was having money problems and I transferred some money into his account so he would have one less hassle. It was a significant sum. We arent talking 20 bucks here. Plus I have tons of other shit here with me that I need to give to him. Everything I have bought him has some personal meaning behind it. Something he likes or is into. I even got his parents stuff from Rome. ARGH! And to this day I still get stuff for him. I just dont know why. But all in all I have to say this cause I am in a bitchy mood today ( and no its not PMS shit) I am gonna destroy you (insert his name here)! You souless asshole! Even if I die doing it I am gonna get my revenge. I have earned it. I bet tomorrow I will be back to completly loving him. God I need someone to kick my ass. Well I am exhausted and I did do my workout with double time double speed. NO coping out. But hey whatever I need for inspiration I will take it.