Mulitple rants late at night!
2004-05-12, 10:21 p.m.

Dont you wish some magically imbibed being would swoop in and grant you 3 wishes. Hell I dont really need 3 I can live with 2. My first wish would be to live without pain I feel now. The physical pain day in and day out. For over 7 years now. Not one day withoug some sort of pain. My legs, my arms, and my kidneys. If I didnt feel pain I wouldnt know if I were alive or dead. Its so constant. You even if the wish would be for only 24 hours, it would be the greatest day of my life. One hour even I am not stingy.

Then wish 2 would be no memory of this life when I ask for a new one basically. I know this counts as 2 technically but hey I would ask for clauses. I want to wake up with no memory of the past. I want a different life. I wouldnt even ask for easy street. Just not this life. Full of pain and torment. Any life would be easier than this one now. Just to be able to feel genuine happiness not psuedo happiness that I fool myself into believing is real. I want to feel something different for once. Is that too much to ask?

You know most people ask for money, fame, and or power. Such shallow needs. I have given it a lot of thought obviously. I just want to be happy and pain free. Im making strides but some days you just want instant gratification. Everyone else seems to get it. Why not me? I have numerous theories about that. They are all far fetched.

Theory One: Karma, I was a fucking nazi, or Nero, or Lucretia Borgia in a past life. I am being punished in this life for something horrible I did in a previous one and paying for it now. I have said that one often. Especially when I was in the hospital dying painfully. ( as you know I survived which brings me to theory 2)

Theory Two: Cruel Joke, if there really are some gods or goddesses, he, she, it, they created me to see what happens. Like throw all kinds of horrible shit at this human and watch and see how long it takes them to break. Kinda like Job in the bible. Got close a few times to destroying me. Its like reality TV for the gods and goddesses.

Theory Three: The devil is really in control, thats if god and the devil actually exsisted. The devil would be in charge. You see evil people always winning or get the breaks while the nice people get destroyed. See evil people like "he who shall not be named" always come out on top. Sure he has stupid little inconviences every now and then but he always comes out smelling like a rose. The more he steps on people or tortures them he wins. He always comes out on top leaving casualities in his wake. He enjoys it. While nice innocent people like a friend of mine Stephanie lose big time. She always tries to do the best for people sacrificing her own happiness, health, money, and or sanity. She gets used and abused , but she still somehow keeps going and continues to help the same people who hurt her. I KNOW HOW SHE FEELS! Even through out history the good always die young while the evil live on forever. But hey I dont believe in a christian god or devil so not too sure about that one.

There is this bullshit thing about so called happy people. That underneath all the fame, fortune, glamour, and good health, they are really not happy. FUCK THAT! QUIT YOUR BITCHIN'! Like their lives are hell. They dont know what hell is. Whatever their little problems are supposedly is a walk in the park for me. Live my life and see how much yours doesnt suck.

Why cant I be a dolphin or a panther. Free in the wild without humans. I wish there was a nuclear holocaust. ALL humans die and the earth starts over. Cleansing and purging it of its evil, humanity. I really wanted North Korea to make a first strike and send the world into nuclear hell. I want to be at ground zero. Quick and easy.

Maybe me slowing turning evil is a good thing. I will be one fo the winners then. Im rapidly losing this moral feeling about not wanting anyone else in pain. FUCK THEM! They would trample on me if it got them somewhere. In fact most have. Its now my turn. People should feel what I feel then maybe just maybe have some empathy. If only humans would feel each others hell. The world might be a better place then. Eh fuck it all to hell.

This rant I wrote last night as I was going to bed. I just felt this overwhelming need to go off. I had a few things I ranted about even. I just kept writing and writing it all came out. WHOOOO felt good. I just wanted to share it with anyone who ever reads this. My next rant was about my celibacy. Wanna read?

Well you are going to anyways. Part of my celibacy is because of "he who shall not be named" but most of it is about never letting someone that close to me. The closest you can ever come to another person is sex. I hate people. They use, they are decitful, manipulative, and evil. Parts of me want to give into the urges cause its a natural human thing to do. No emotions should be involved but unfortunatly being a female they are. I have tried to fool myself with my many one night stands that they didnt matter. But it always hurt when the assholes used me. I tried to detatch but a little part of me always gets hurt. It adds up. NO MORE! Never touching another person again. Even just kissing, making out, or what have you thats out. NO ONE is gonna hurt me ever again. I made sex in my mind out to be something as easy as breathing. Something automatic, means nothing. BUT it is.

Nothing was ever special. No romance, no love, no tenderness, just wham bam thank you ma'am. Most of the time not even a thank you. Just a run and hide so no one ever suspects that they had sex with me. The secret. The person who will let me do anything and everything and not have to even care for them as a human.

Not that I have changed my mind per se just not gonna let someone else feel good when I ALWAYS feel shitty, used, and degraded. FUCK THEM TOO!

Then there was the rant about true love. True love hurts. Puppy love is the fun one,it burns hot, bright, exciting, then goes out. But it was fun at least.

True love is slow and torturing to the bone. It reminds you just how fucking long and cruel life is. It hurts and it destroys you slowly. You can never excape it. The feeling never goes away. It haunts you till you die. Maybe even after that. It may go on for lifetimes. ARGH! Shoot me now!

Ok enough with the rants I am tired and dont want to be annoyed with being human. I am ok today. Did my workout. Danced and had a decent day.