Ever dream of not being a human being
2004-09-21, 2:13 a.m.

I swear I use to have this whole daydream when I was younger now it is coming back to haunt me. Have you ever in your life thought you were a being that was not human but rather a god, goddess, or alien? That one day your true self will be revealed by your "people." That they will swoop down and save you from your horrific life here on earth.

See this all stems from the fact that I just dont fit into the human race. I know I dont belong here but where do I belong. I use to daydream that I was really a greek goddess banned from Mt Olympus with amensia. I always dreamed that my true parents would come down and explain to me why and who I am. That I was sent down here to learn a lesson and realize what humanity is all about. That would justify my nightmarish life with all the problems and abhorrent relationships with humans. In reality I am a beautiful worshipped deity that just had to learn what life is really all about.

I had to have been a cruel, vengeful,and evil being to deserve all this. It also brings me to another theory I have about why I have to deal with incidents that no one else even dreams about having to go through. I will talk about that later I am going on with this rant at the moment. So thusly I was sent to earth to experience complete and total hell. What better way to teach someone a lesson than to put them through just about every formidable event that one can muster?

I just wished that it were true. It would justify everything in my life. I know have the mantra of "I AM NOT HUMAN, I AM NOT A PERSON, I DO NOT COUNT." I say these things all the time now because thats how I feel. I have even printe out posters with those sayings to stare at while I work out. It motivates me to just keep going. Not so much for revenge and everything even though thats what is really driving me but for the sheer fact of the matter that I am those exact sayings to a tee. That is why I have these day dreams. It would vindicate all my feelings.

My other theory is that I was some evil person in a past life and I am paying for it. I use to say I had to be a top ranking nazi or some other vile criminal to deserve this life. The reason why I say this is because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have never ever hurt anyone out of malice or used a single soul. Because there is no earthly reason why I am put through this. I am the type of person that jumps through hoops and climbs mountains so other do not have to suffer even an inkling of what I have been through. I do whatever it takes to make someone feel special and loved. ARGH what I do for people.

Oh well things to ponder before I go to sleep and wake up to another appalling day. I do my little prayer to a god that I think either does not exist or is spiteful. I pray that I do not wake up from my slumber. Too bad it never comes true huh? I am sure there are some of you out there that wishes the same thing even though I have never done a damn thing to you or will ever do a damn thing to you. See why I do not want to be part of a race of beings that is straight up nefarious. I dont fit the mold of a human being. I am not like them nor will I ever be. Gee its great to be me. Well time to sleep and dream of events that will never happen to me as long as I am stuck in this body.